Growing While Shrinking

I LOVE natural consequences.  They work in so many wonderful ways while raising kids.

Sometimes they are obvious.  Walk through puddle, get wet feet.  Refuse to wear mittens, get cold hands.  Eat way too much butter straight from the fridge, get the runs.  Run out on the street, get hit by car (KIDDING).

Sometimes, the true natural consequence is not immediately visible.  Or, it doesn’t make sense (like letting your kid get hit by a car).  So I try to come up with ideas that are *related* to the offense.

Hit sibling with shovel, loose the shovel.  Push sibling down, then you can’t play with them.  Throw sand at sibling, not allowed in the sand box for a few minutes.  Don’t listen in the pool, you are out.

I’m not a big fan of the time outs, or the random punishments.

So.  I decided to come up with a sorta-natural consequence for if I don’t get my steps in.  I’m trying to get 10000 a day.  Which is a lot, but also not really a lot.  It is totally achievable.  Even if I sat on my behind all day, and only got up to do official walking, it would only take a couple of hours to achieve 10000 steps.  I should be able to commit to moving 2 hours of 24.

The natural consequences are easy.  I won’t loose weight.  I’ll gain weight.  I’ll feel lazy.  I don’t get time to clear my head.  I will snap at the kids.  I’ll eat more.

But you know - I really don’t like any of the natural consequences.  And many are not felt fast enough to be a good way of knowing when I mess up.

I decided that if I don’t get 10000 steps, then the next day, I have to make up the missing steps plus a bonus 1000 steps.  Yesterday, I only had 9000.  Today, then, I had to do 11000 plus another 1000, making my day’s requirement 12000 steps.  I have done 14000 today.  I don’t get to bank the extra steps.

This has been working well, though I’m a bit concerned about the sustainability of it.  We’ll see.  I want to take advantage of the longer days and the warmer weather.  And, the better my activity level is, the less fussy and worried I have to be about my food intake.

Mind you - there is really nothing natural about walking around all day looking at my pedometer to see how many steps I’ve earned…

Thrilled to report that I’m back to my never-never-weight.

This is the weight that I had planned to never see again, and if I did see it, it would set off major alarm bells, and it would give me a huge kick in the pants, and I would get totally motivated to get back on track. My never-never weight is 7 pounds more than my lowest weight (this time), and 6 pounds more than when I hit “normal weight” on the BMI.

At this never-never-weight, my pants are uncomfortable, and a little bulgy, but I can still wear them. A pound or two past this weight, I have to get into my next-size-up pants. (sidebar: I know I said I got rid of them all, but I did keep a couple of the smallest of my next-size-up pants around. I don’t have tons of clothes, so there have been occasions where I needed to wear baggy pants while I did some emergency laundry).

But at 5 pounds past my never-never-weight, my next size up pants are the right size.

So they came out of retirement. I suppose the seasons changing worked in my favour as well. Last year’s shorts and Tshirts are too big. So I needed more anyway. But I know that if I hadn’t gained the 12 pounds back, I would be down a size. But I didn’t have that screaming in my face.

A 3 pound loss this week has been a huge victory.

Biggest factor in my success (other than my huge mind shift that I described in Thinking Thin)?

Getting 10000 steps minimum a day on my pedometer. Fitting in the walking.

Again with the eat better, move more.

Sounds easy, huh?

Silly me.  Worried about the numbers in the morning.

I have (as always on thursday night) not drunk anything since 8.  Not eaten anything since dinner.

I wish I could be the superstar that I want to be.  Focussing on how great I feel this week, how much more active I have been (10,000 steps a day at least).  Loving feeling more in control of eating.  Handling the yelling without raiding the chocolate chips.  Looking forward to Friday night without worrying about all the work to be done on the weekend.

So many successes.  Real, honest, great successes.  But the numbers count.  The numbers can push me one way or the other in mood.  Perhaps I need to throw out my scale.

I have 3 scales.  Nice.  I have an electric one that needs batteries (or is broken) but I don’t throw it out because I may one day need to know my body fat percentage (and we all know how accurate thirty dollar scales are at reading body fat percentage).  I have my regular scale, which I have had for years.  And I have a brand new one that I find hard to read.  The brand new one sits in the cupboard.  I don’t use it.

Why do I have a brand new scale that sits in the cupboard?

I bought it because I figured my old one was broken.  There was no way I weighed as much as it said I did, right?

Wrong.

Now I have 2 scales that can let me know just how messed up my thinking was.  A reminder that the mind can trick us into believing that what we are doing is working, but the reality is that at some point, you gotta go to the numbers to prove it.

I ate a little more than I should have today.

Again with the fighting kids.  Grrr.  They were battling over everything.  So frustrating and hard to deal with.

I also started my day with a “check in weigh in” where I weigh myself so that I can get an idea of what I *will* weigh when I weigh myself on Friday morning.  (I do worry that I am actually more nuts than I think I am).  I had GAINED back the 2 pounds.

Now, I “know” that this isn’t true.  I “know” that I drank tons of water last night (which I don’t do on Thursday nights, as I like to trick the scale).  I “know” that I had some strawberries before bed.  I “know” at worst, I will maintain this week.

But I “feel” terrible about this.  I HATE seeing those nasty big numbers.  I think it coloured my day.  I should have worn my pink shirt again, I guess.

They are so yummy and tasty.

For those who haven’t picked them this year - there is still time.

We have picked 30.00 worth in the last few days. We managed to eat 12.00 worth in 3 days. We are strawberry monsters.

You can taste the sun on them. You really can.

These are relatively guilt free snacks. A small one is 2 cal, a medium one is 4 cal, a large one is 6 cal.

A full cup is under 50 cal. 2 cups will cost you 100 cals. But what a tasty, satisfying 100 calories.

You could also have about 10 chips for 100 calories.

Hard choice?

I wore Pink today.

That was the first time EVER.  Even as a child, I am sure.  I am not a girly girl. I used to kick the shit out of the girly girls. Okay - maybe not.  But I certainly wasn’t invited to their tea parties, and I’m sure that has caused some long term emotional damage.  Hmmm.

It was a very very dark pink. And I bought it against my better judgement because it fit, it had a high neck line (I burn in the summer) and it was 6.00.  So despite the pink, it came home with me.

But I wore it today.  I found myself surprised that no-one came up to me and suggested that I  should perhaps wear a colour more suited to fat.

I felt pretty.  Neat huh.  Funny what a mind shift (and a 2 pound weight shift in the right direction) can do

I have been struggling so much lately. You all know that.

I needed my Knight to get the rescue started with a kick in the ass.

But truly, getting back on track falls to me.  It really does.  I ultimately control what comes in the house, what meals are made, what treats are baked and what goes in my mouth.

It is hard to see beyond the despair.  It really is.

However, I have had a major breakthrough this week.  One that is worth posting about (miss me???).

I have been thinking “fat”.  I was thinking “thin” before.  But I have definitely slipped into fat mode.

Crappy day, feeling miserable, fat thought “gee I’m miserable, I think I’ll eat some chocolate”

OR

Crappy day, feeling miserable, thin though “gee I’m miserable.”

Now - the transition time (which had been almost a year for me) has been learning-to-be-thin thoughts.

Crappy day, feeling miserable, learning-to-be-thin-thought “gee, I’m miserable, I think I’ll eat some chocolate.  No.  Wait. I’m not hungry.  I just had my healthy snack of almonds and apple.  I’m not hungry.  I’m just miserable.  What can I do to make myself less miserable?”

Somehow, I got lost in the misery, and jumped from thin thoughts (where things were coming automatically), to fat thoughts (which is how my emotional eating has ended me up in this crappy relationship with food place) WITHOUT EVEN NOTICING!!!

I just thought I was screwing up.  But I wasn’t.  I had totally switched thought patterns.

Can’t go forward if you are stuck in reverse.

Anyway.  I’m feeling SO MUCH BETTER.  So much more in control.  So much less self hatred and disgust.

I’m back to the learning-to-be-thin thoughts.  I’m hoping it will take less time to get back to the thin thoughts.  But in the meantime, I’m hoping that this new (old?) way of thinking will help me loose the weight that I have gained over the last few months.  I’m also hoping I can get back into a more positive mind set in other areas of my life.

He swept in when he heard a damsel in distress, and did what I asked.

Today, this week, this month…I’ve desperately needed rescuing.

Now - I’m not a kitten-stuck-in-a-tree-rescue-me kind of gal.  Far from it.

But today, I was so far down my well of despair, I couldn’t get out alone.

I needed my ass kicked and to be bossed around a little bit.

He asked me to report my eating and walking each day.

And to look back at what works.

I realized that I have broken my MOST IMPORTANT RULE daily (at least once) over the last month or so.

Only eat when the kids are eating.

My second MOST IMPORTANT RULE has also been broken.

Just because the kids are eating doesn’t mean I have to eat.

I actually felt hungry for dinner tonight for the first time in months. Not starving.  Just the right amount of hunger.

I failed to read the power of now.

Several people have suggested that it is a good book, a life altering book, a powerful book.

I couldn’t get into it.

Funny - the author himself *knew* you’d have trouble getting into it, and he kept saying to stick with it, that the click would come, and then you’d get it.

I just couldn’t stay awake.

I don’t get a lot of time to just sit around, reading (for myself).  I sneak it in before bed, when I should be sleeping.  I read for anywhere from 1 minute to 30 minutes, and when I start to doze off, I turn off my booklight and fall asleep.  Where I am quite happy to stay until the monsters awake.

I tried a few times, and kept having to start again.

So I gave up.  Returned it to the library.  I will have to learn about the power of now when I have more time.

Does that mean that I have missed the point entirely?  Or that I have already gotten it?

Sylvain rocked my world today. See how brave he is here.

Me? I was a little bit brave. I decided it was too *&^$*(ing hot to wear my tank top.

I love my tank tops. I wear them under my shirts. It helps hide my muffin top. But the heat….too much. I long for skinny dipping. I really do.

I also emailed my friend to ask to set up an appointment to get together. I can’t call him. I just don’t know what to say. But another blogger friend said that when she needed to see a therapist, she chose the one that she could book an appointment with via email. I think that is brilliant. I’m afraid to call Drew. But I can email him. Late at night. When he won’t be checking his email. When he won’t be able to get back to me right away. Phew.